Vday

If I was my Valentine I would make me coffee before the kiddo woke up and take the kiddo so I could enjoy my coffee without worrying.  But I'm not my Valentine. My valentine is asleep like he is every morning.  Oh well. At least I will probably get flowers later. Because of all the snow I wasn't able to do my Valentines time line but I gave him a note that I wrote and a picture of the first sunrise of us. Hopefully he'll be out of bed soon. Here's our Valentine!

Hangxiety no more

This might be the last time I have a hangover. They are terrible and I hate them and myself when I have one. I had too much wine after a few too many beers. I don't remember all of last night except for having some fun but after the fun it's all a blur. That's why I think I just shouldn't drink anymore. It's depressing I can't be like every other normal person and have some drinks and get a buzz and then go to bed and remember the whole night when I wake. I can't say that. I wake and I feel like I have been hit by a bus and want nothing but to stay in bed and do nothing. I can't do that. I have a sweet angel girl that needs a functional Mommy. And I need to be that person for her and for me. Hubby thinks I should stop but he doesn't think he should too. I explained to him it isn't a punishment to stop drinking if it could help support me to stop drinking.  The less I drink the less tolerance I have and that makes me dangerous when I finally let loose. It scares me that I don't remember things after. I did look it up. It's called hangxiety. I have cuts on my hand for some reason... Hubby says they were there when we got home. How? Why? Neither of us know. Yikes. I have to say I want to be done. One or two has to be it or none at all. Wish me luck please. I really need it!
All my Love!

No one to talk to

Dear Grace,

We play Darts. Or shoot them rather, and now I'm drinking alone. We won our first playoff match which is aweasome! Not one of my finer nights, but you are sleeping nice and tight and so is your daddy. I'm up wanting to talk to uncle k but he isn't talking to me. It's just me. I am sitting by myself with the kitty and just blabbering (to me myself and I). I haven't quit smoking so I'm doing that right now. None of my me goals have quite met the match. I'm here though. Ranting on about nothing. I hate December! Hate it. I love being cheery but it's not my thing! It started way back when my family loved to fight Thanksgiving and Christmas... no matter the year it happened on the dime... I  haven't gotten past it but I have done my darnest to try now. And thenow December 18th happened. My Mom passed. Now I think about how I don't have her. I will make Christmas amazing for you!

Dear Grace,
It didn't work quite as I had planned. I kinda kicked it to the side for now. We are waiting until after My Birthday to go at it again. This happens after Monday. We are driving to Aunt and Uncle on Thanksgiving Morning. nice 6 hour trip that will go very smoothly if we don't have a smoke before we get in the car. Leaving early enough might be quite helpful. Wish us luck! We really really want to kick this habit now so you don't ever have to know it in your bright future.
Love Mommy

Dear Grace,

I am sitting on the front steps like I usually do except for I haven't smoked one cigarette today so far. The air smells different. It is almost crisper. Like a cucumber. I can tell that someone is smoking a cigarette in the truck parked in Ann's driveway. It doesn't make me want one more... it just
Kinda seems to be interrupting the smell of Autumn in the air. We'Ll have to see because only 2 hours and 24 minutes doesn't mean I quit.

Devils Running

Dear Grace,

I woke up to you yelling Ma! Gave you kisses and went to make coffee and warm you a sippy cup of milk. After I gave you your milk I came out front to smoke. Playing on my phone and all of a sudden a bunch of joggers dressed in costume came down the street. Boy did I feel dumb. Here these people are breathing hard to work their bodies and here I am watching them with a cigarette. I put it out and got you instead. They all waved and smiled at you as they ran by. You threw them kisses. This smoking this is really dragging email down
 It is a good thing Daddy and I decided that our last cigarettes will be smoked by Tuesday ight. Wish us luck! Hopefully next year it will be us running down the street in costume with much healthier lungs so we can be healthier for ourselves and for you!

Dear Grace,

Today is Daddy and my 2nd wedding anniversary. We picked today because it was my Mommy's birthday in hopes to make a sad day a happy one. I am missing her very very much today. I am trying to be happy but I have been struggling all week with a sad feeling I just cannot shake. It has just been a long week for us. It started Saturday hen I cried because I felt trapped. Daddy worked two doubles at his job and it was rainy and cold so we didn't do much. All I wanted to do was get out of the house and be babyless for a little while. By the time that came around I was too tired. It built up and built up until Saturday Grandma told me I couldn't use her car. It's her car so I understood but it hurt. Daddy spent time winding down from his two 12 hour shifts... but I sat with you for more time. It's just been a long week. We did get lucky and now we have a car. A Jeep. I have wanted a Jeep sinse I was a teenager! You like the Jeep too because it has lots of windows and you can see everything! It's our Anniversary today... I really want to spend some time with Daddy but we argued alot last night. So now I feel lonely even though you are with me. I cannot wait until you can talk! You are trying very hard and we are very proud of you!